Science Is Fun

50% of my relationships explained by science!

Speaking of finding people attractive... since only four people decided to participate in the last post (and, in retrospect, it was a fairly stupid question), entire quotes have been included below. Oh and thanks for all your help (you lazy bunch of twats). Sincerely, The Yearbook Staff.

Peppermint Patty sez: "The first time I had sex with a girl...it would have been [Led Zeppelin's] "Tangerine." Or...ew, it might have been Edie Brickell, i'll have to think about it. Better yet, I won't."

The Milkman sez: "If memory serves [god, i've drunk too much this life] it was Miles Davis's album Kind of Blue."

Tina sez: "First Time: Collective Soul - "Run." From the acclaimed Dosage album. You may also remember it as the theme song to the James Vanderbeek film Varsity Blues. First Time in Frat House: Dave Matthews Band."

And finally, a story that has little to do with the question, and is probably better off for it...

Sheryl Swoopes sez: "I have never had a "first" of any kind to music. I do, however, have a related story to offer in support of such a noble cause:

One day during my junior year of college, MTV arrived on Columbia's campus to interview students about their musical preferences for intimate moments. This was a shining moment for me to do what I do best: make a complete fool of myself. I confidently declared that I enjoy having sex while listening to Outkast. Something about how "the beat makes me horny" or another equally stupid filler sentence. I thought this was hilarious at the time, not so when it showed up two weeks later on TRL for millions of tweens to laugh at."

Finally, for the record, I'm pretty sure I was listening to The Doors' "The Crystal Ship" the first time I did "It." Jesus, high school students have really shitty taste.

Off to Miami for the Thanksgiving holiday. Have fun in whatever cold place you live in, bitches.

This off week is the ideal time for you to participate in a fun *bitter defeat* activity. What song was playing the first time you made whoopie? Answers get posted here whenever the hell I decide. Interesting narratives and bonus songs (first kiss, first anal, etc.) are also welcome. Also, you can think up a fake name or I'll make one up for you. You could write your answer in the comments section, but the post will probably be more fun if you e-mail your answers.

Also, don't just make up shit you think is funny because:

a) it isn't/you're not
b) I can tell

Confessions of a Hype Victim

The hype is working. I can't get enough of Morningwood, Arctic Monkeys, and the new Madonna single. I don't even remember what "irony" means. I just want pretty things and cute people and sweet dance hooks. Am I turning into a 13-year-old girl?

Was Woody Harrelson the Runner-Up?

People has bestowed their bittersweet "Sexiest Man Alive" honorific upon this man:



Of course, no one looks great in a mug shot, but you still have to wonder if the issue's editors were dipping into Mr. McConaughey's stash. Maybe he was voted in on the merits of his recent string of hit movies. On second thought... no.

Perhaps this lapse in judgement should come as no surprise. After all, in 1992 this guy won:

Good Morning Meth!

Anyone catch Saturday Night Live this week? Jason Lee hosted.... opening sketch, "Good Morning Meth," was brilliant. Any chance anyone out there has video/stills?



To answer some Jason Lee questions that came up this weekend...

YES, he is the only actor with a shoe named after him. (and no, Mr. Smart Guy, Michael Jordan does not count as an actor, Space Jam notwithstanding.) It was the Jason Lee pro model from Airwalk.

YES, he is a Scientologist. Sorry, Malibu.

YES, he did give his kid a crazy strange name: Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee. However, the kid got its first name from a Granddaddy song, so that's kinda cool.

Unrelated...

A gross conflation of "cool" and "inappropriate."

And for some reason, the above article makes me think of a certain someone's new album.

Okay, Now I Care about Terrorism

Those Al-Qaeda douchebags killed Moustapha Akkad! It's not as if the management was pro-terrorism before, but there is much truth in David Cross's famous line: "You cannot win a war on terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy... you ain't gonna win it." But now that the man who produced our beloved Halloween movies has been killed by a suicide bomber... that's it. The management is going to persuade some powerful Mufti to issue a fatwah condemning this whole terrorism thing. Something tells me the Qur'an (hell, just about any of the ahadith you've got lying around) is anti-suicide bombing. It's just a hunch. As of this moment, *bitter defeat* declares a jihad on suicide bombers; the management is now a mujahid.

(Ten bucks says my FBI dossier just got, like, seven times thicker.)

In related news, Bitchfork gave the new Babyshambles album a pretty good review. Things are getting interesting as LISTMANIA! 2005 approaches. Tonight's Art Brut show at Northsix may swing a few votes as well.

Melissa "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" Joan Hart dressed as Return of the Jedi slave Leia!! So hott. [via BoingBoing]

Also, do tinfoil hats really protect you from mind-control rays?

Have a nice weekend.

**UPDATE** The very definition of "mixed emotions": Fox cancels Arrested Development and 7th Heaven.

Oh Mercy. The Sheer Zeitgeist of It All

Finger placed squarely on the pulse, I saw a screening of Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic last night. It was very funny, but didn't really live up to the brilliant trailer. (Find it yourself.) Also, whatever you do, don't read this Dana Goodyear profile of Silverman in The New Yorker. She basically gives away the punchlines to half the jokes in the film. Now that's crack journalism!

Monday was sweaty-hipster mosh night at Greenpoint's Club Exit, where Death from Above 1979 played a blistering set of their trademark "hipster metal." It was an amazing show. It's hard not to use the word "hipster" when you're talking about a Vice showcase on a Monday night, one neighborhood over from Williamsburg in a Polish dance club. The only things missing were a cocaine trough, a Sparks fountain, and an overpriced used-vinyl booth. Oh wait. That was my bar-mitzvah.

Moving on...

MySpace.com has started a record label. Perfect for those who love Emo and/or lonely European sluts.

A Petewatch by any other name would smell as sweet.

New White Stripes video directed by Michel Gondry. [via Stereogum]

Another great manipulated movie trailer. [Thanks, Suze]

Anybody Got a Bigger Straw?

According to Greek mythology, upon crossing to the underworld the dead would drink from the river Lethe, instantly forgetting their former lives. Interestingly, those who drink from the river Thames have excellent memories, but find it hard to concentrate on one subject for long. They can become inordinately talkative, begin to crave cigarettes, and notice a marked reduction in appetite.

This has to be related somehow.

Apparently Teen Wolf has transferred to Earlsboro, OK.

Oh please Oh please Oh please

Finally, a new-feature proposal for Friendster:

An adorable new-ish feature allows Friendster users to send other Friendster users a "smile." Specifically, they receive the following message: "[Dick/Jane] has sent you a smile. [Dick/Jane] wants to brighten your day with a smile. Check out [Dick/Jane]'s profile and send a reply."

The proposal is simple. Obvious, even. People need more options; other sentiments, truer preformatted emotions, more creative emoticons. Here are some possibilities:

"[Dick/Jane] has sent you a middle finger. [Dick/Jane] finds you irritating and/or downright offensive and wants to express [his/her] disdain for you. Do nothing. Simply live with the knowledge that you are disliked."

"[Dick/Jane] has licked [his/her] lips and whistled at you. [Dick/Jane] is impressed by the [nice rack/bulge/ass] you're showing off in your profile image(s) and would sincerely appreciate the opportunity to break [him/her] off a piece of that."

For the more artistic types, "[Dick/Jane] has sent you a piece of [his/her] ear. [Dick/Jane] needs you to understand the intensity of [his/her] devotion to you. Check out [Dick/Jane]'s profile and perhaps purchase some artwork."

"[Dick/Jane] has sent you a restraining order. [Dick/Jane] feels threatened by your repeated advances and/or stalking and wants to get Friendster officials involved. You are hereby ordered to remain at least two degrees of Friends away from [Dick/Jane] at all times." [Additional options: Why not an array of helpful legal documents? "[Dick/Jane] has filed a paternity suit" has a nice ring to it.]

[Dick/Jane] has just tossed your virtual salad. [Dick/Jane] has just added some real spice to your day by performing a deeply intimate and deliciously bawdy sexual act on you. Check out [Dick/Jane]'s profile and maybe return the favor with [a reacharound/cunnilingus/a hearty spanking]."

...and so on. It is precisely this kind of targeted interactivity and virtual community-building that will keep Friendster ahead of the online-network curve for years to come.

The Fire, She Has Gone Out

Posts are down to a trickle due to general listlessness and creeping apathy. (Just in time for election day tomorrow!)

While the management waits at the bus station for some Muse or other to arrive, tide yourself over with this marginally entertaining crap:

Just in time for basketball season: How to guard Teen Wolf.

The Physics of Cow Tipping. [via BoingBoing]

Is Paris Burning?

Get it?

(If not, here.)

Randoms

If you're a fan of the genre, check out Nitsuh Abebe's historical overview of the twee/indie-pop scene. I'll be digging through my Jumprope and Rocketship 7"s tonight!

Even cuter: The Jesus Is Magic soundboard lets you listen to Sarah Silverman's voice whenever you want. [via Lindsayism]

Basketball fans will, as always, enjoy Bill Simmons's NBA Season Preview.

I wish this guy was my dad.

I'm glad this lady isn't my mom.

This just in: WAL-MART is not a cute and cuddly family of teddy bears. Holy shit... who knew? [Check out the Salon review]

November 2: National Deviled Egg Day (Really!)

Ready? Deep breath. November is...

International Drum Month, Peanut Butter Lover's Month, Slaughter Month (like, the band Slaughter??), National Adoption Month, Diabetes Awareness Month, National Family Caregiver Month, Aviation History Month, Child Safety and Protection Month, Diabetic Eye Disease Month, Good Nutrition Month, International Creative Child and Adult Month, National Raisin Bread Month, National Moral Indignation Month, Jewish Book Month, National Alzheimer's Disease Month, National Epilepsy Month, National Hospice Month, National Stamp Collecting Month, One Nation Under God Month (BOOOOO!!), National Christmas Seal Month (November??), National Pepper Month, Real Jewelry Month, National Novel Writing Month, American Indian & Alaska Native Heritage Month, Great American Smokeout, Healthy Skin Month, Jaw Joints/TMJ Awareness Month, Lung Cancer Awareness Month, Marrow Awareness Mont, Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, Prematurity Awareness Month, and Pulmonary Hypertension Awareness Month.

Actually, that makes November pretty damn boring.